Doughnuts are my favorite food.
Bread and butter are a close second.
I’m carbohydrate intolerant by way of high blood sugar, high triglycerides, total crash out, and my inability to digest such creatures as those fluffy puffy creamy fried dough sugar balls are.
That said… enjoying doughnuts without remorse, guilt, or total dread is difficult.
Last week I was at an AA 12-step meeting at the beach—on the actual sand in Santa Monica, CA. I’m not a drinker; never was. David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe once said, “Alcoholism is sugar addiction.” Sugar addiction may not be alcoholism, but sugar is sugar and addiction IS addiction; so there I was.
At OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings, you won’t find doughnuts and coffee, oh no! But at AA meetings, it’s often the delicacy. Why don’t they make the sugar-alcohol connection? I suppose life is tough enough as it is…
Somehow my friend and I plopped down on the sand just a few feet behind the goodie table. I was COOL; all good. Not going for a doughnut at all, but certainly very and I mean VERY aware they were there.
Distance is golden.
And then it happened…
Toward the end of the meeting, a clean-up person was clearing the table. Apparently there was one doughnut left. He walked over to my friend, arms stretched out holding the infamous pink box, and said, “Go ahead, take the last one.”
Spotlight. Pause. Decision.
Being the kind soul she is; she accepted it. I knew that meant we weren’t necessarily going to eat it. I knew she received it to be gracious. I also knew there was a chance…
It was chocolate cake with white frosting.
Will we; won’t we?
It’s now in my vicinity; sitting near me like a friend.
She broke it in half… yippee I’m thinking!
I can totally be happy eating half.
Then the anguish; she split the half in half.
Frustration was mounting; I was practically pissed knowing a quarter of a small doughnut would NOT satisfy me.
As she cradled it, I knew she was thinking we shouldn’t eat it (especially me), and my mood began to quickly change.
… And thus the impetus for this writing—the power of the doughnut swiftly shifting my emotional state from present and joyful to angry and detached.
I was GOOD not having the doughnut at all before it was practically in my lap with “perceived permission” to devour. I was ON BOARD with eating half; throwing caution to the wind on how dangerous it would be for me. But I was WRECKED by the idea of consuming only one quarter, and “deprived” by my addicted mind of finally not having it at all.
What helped was talking out these inner workings with my friend and taking accountability for how I felt before and after the power of the doughnut fell upon me.
My mood shifted back to center.
I was thankful I didn’t eat it.
Today we went to the same Sunday meeting; feet in the sand, and sat far, far away from the doughnut and coffee table.